Doublewide Invisible Incisors

I got doublewide invisible incisors
I got two black holes where front teeth used to be
I got space where once my wiggly pearly whites were
The tooth brigade’s been poachin’ ivory

What once was indivisibubbly rooted
Was yesterday just jiggling around
The fairy’s been and now my tooth’s transmuted
It’s only gone and turned into a pound

The Duvethog

Artwork by the generous and talented @baboonicorn

Artwork by the generous and talented @baboonicorn

Beware the furtive duvethog* that hunts in bed at night
It holds the duvet loosely when you first turn out the light
Then it goes into a death roll like a river crocodile
You start out under covers, but that’s only for a while
Before you know what’s happened you are in the open air
Tucked up into ‘not a lot’ where duvet once was there
You try to find a corner but it’s vanished without trace
It’s just as hard as getting the duvet into the duvet case
You think you might just snuggle up into the duvet worm
The heat within’s not coming out, no, not one single therm
Your body temp is slipping : ninety eight, now ninety seven
(The heartless swine beside you’s never getting into heaven)
You think you might just freeze to death – you’re starting now to panic
Your brain invents a brand new law of bed thermodynamics
If heat’s conserved, it surely is inside the duvethog
“But why ?” you ask. Because the arse has stolen all the togs.

* In my mind this kind of rhymes with ‘rubber dog’.
This verse was inspired by the #FairytaleFriday writing challenge on Twitter.

Shark Marbles

Catherine commented :
William, whilst I attempted a tricky reversing manoeuvre:
“Mummy, how many marbles can a shark hold in its mouth at once?”…..
The reversing bit is important to the story. Xx

Mummy was busy reversing
Her arm round the passenger seat
Her brow was furrowed deeply
Her focus was complete
Her tongue was poking up & right
She was trying so hard to park
But the question I needed answering right
Was about the great white shark
Its appetite is voracious
It’s always gobbling prey
Its mouth is quite capacious
In a toothy kind of way
It’s one of the ocean’s marvels
The fabulous way it hunts
But I wondered how many marbles
It could hold in its mouth at once
Mummy was quick to remind us
She was quite busy trying to park
When she bumped into something behind us
And said something rude about sharks

Punge the Cake

Punge the cake was a winner
Of duels with a parry and lunge
His sword work was second
To no-one at all
Hoorah for Victorious Punge !

Morning Rime Rhyme

I slipped on a poem this morning
this year for the very first time
Some hoar in the night
Had painted it white
and covered the pavement in rime


Magic rainbows,
light and liquid
but they wouldn’t
work at all with
less precipitation.

Slay Bells

I hate bad spelling & a friend pointed out that ‘Slay Bells’ meant something VERY different from ‘sleigh bells’.

Slay bells ring, are you listening ?
Down his neck, blood is glistening
A beautiful sight
A bit of a fright
Murder in a winter wonderland

Gaseous Poo

Gaseous Poo was a boxer
He floated just like a bee
He stung like a butterfly
sat on a peach, inserted rectally.

He floated on top of the water
A legend all bubbly and brown –
Knowing the crowd would try to enshroud
him with tissues – refusing to drown.

He was down but by God he was fighting
He was not going to let it all end
No miserable flush or stab with a brush
Could push him around the bend.

’cause Gaseous was a survivor
He’d been dumped and was shat on you see
But do not despair because Gas’ll be there
The next time you come in to pee.

Twenty First Century Man

In the twenty first century man will be
Still arguing and fighting tribally
For some it is land and some religion
For some it’s the game on television
So here’s what I want to impress on you
If you’re one of them I think less of you

Work Life Balance

I’ll get a work life balance
when I die & go to heaven
WORK is worth eleven points
but LIFE’s worth only seven