Shark Marbles

Catherine commented :
William, whilst I attempted a tricky reversing manoeuvre:
“Mummy, how many marbles can a shark hold in its mouth at once?”…..
The reversing bit is important to the story. Xx

Mummy was busy reversing
Her arm round the passenger seat
Her brow was furrowed deeply
Her focus was complete
Her tongue was poking up & right
She was trying so hard to park
But the question I needed answering right
Was about the great white shark
Its appetite is voracious
It’s always gobbling prey
Its mouth is quite capacious
In a toothy kind of way
It’s one of the ocean’s marvels
The fabulous way it hunts
But I wondered how many marbles
It could hold in its mouth at once
Mummy was quick to remind us
She was quite busy trying to park
When she bumped into something behind us
And said something rude about sharks

Punge the Cake

Punge the cake was a winner
Of duels with a parry and lunge
His sword work was second
To no-one at all
Hoorah for Victorious Punge !

Morning Rime Rhyme

I slipped on a poem this morning
this year for the very first time
Some hoar in the night
Had painted it white
and covered the pavement in rime


Magic rainbows,
light and liquid
but they wouldn’t
work at all with
less precipitation.

Slay Bells

I hate bad spelling & a friend pointed out that ‘Slay Bells’ meant something VERY different from ‘sleigh bells’.

Slay bells ring, are you listening ?
Down his neck, blood is glistening
A beautiful sight
A bit of a fright
Murder in a winter wonderland

Gaseous Poo

Gaseous Poo was a boxer
He floated just like a bee
He stung like a butterfly
sat on a peach, inserted rectally.

He floated on top of the water
A legend all bubbly and brown –
Knowing the crowd would try to enshroud
him with tissues – refusing to drown.

He was down but by God he was fighting
He was not going to let it all end
No miserable flush or stab with a brush
Could push him around the bend.

’cause Gaseous was a survivor
He’d been dumped and was shat on you see
But do not despair because Gas’ll be there
The next time you come in to pee.

Twenty First Century Man

In the twenty first century man will be
Still arguing and fighting tribally
For some it is land and some religion
For some it’s the game on television
So here’s what I want to impress on you
If you’re one of them I think less of you

Work Life Balance

I’ll get a work life balance
when I die & go to heaven
WORK is worth eleven points
but LIFE’s worth only seven

I don’t want to exercise

I don’t want to exercise
I just wanna be a smaller size
I’ve tried everything and I’ve realised
My waist will not be hypnotised

I haven’t run – what I’ve done is fuck all
My gut hangs inches over my buckle
The pants I buy are labelled ‘L’
as in ‘Lard’ or ‘Lead’ or ‘Fed quite Well’

My belly is jelly one minute then solid
My flat’s full of crap from the takeaway – squalid
Getting caught with the thought of a jog makes me shiver
I’d walk to the pizza place – but they deliver

I don’t want to exercise
I just wanna be a smaller size
There’s gotta be an easier way to do it
Sennakot and a pot and I just sit and poo it ?

It’s important I oughtn’t ignore my inflation
My waist’s got the taste for some exaggeration
No lotion or potion or pill’s going to cut it
(Must) take hold of my cake hole I’ve just got to shut it

Hear It !

Squirrel Party

The squirrels invited the pigeons
To a party, they said “Come in grey
We’ve invited along all the foxes
And Scruffy the neighbourhood stray”

“We’ll see you at seven / half seven
You don’t want to miss the buffet
There’s chicken we found at eleven last night
that had only been there for a day”

The pigeons were really excited
They fluttered and flapped and they cooed
I don’t think they thought about foxes
And what they consider is food

The pigeons arrived at half seven
The foxes were fashionably late
But instead of a nice bit of chicken
It was all of the pigeons they ate

The squirrels were rather embarrassed
(And covered in feathers and beak)
But the foxes were quite unrepentant:
“Let’s do this at our place next week !”