Spider Plant

To the tune of ‘Spiderman’

Spider plant, spider plant,
Copies spiders ? Well, no, it can’t.
Spends all day sat in pots
Doesn’t get ’round a lot
Watch out!
Slow moving spider plant.

Is it wrong ? It lives in mud
It’s got radial active buds
Spin a web ? Never has
Doesn’t do all that jazz
Hey there,
it’s just a spider plant

Though it’s got no eyes, it’s a genius with light
Photosynthesizing (but never at night)

Spider plant, spider plant
Capture evil ones ? No it can’t
Criminals it won’t fight ’em
Cos’ it’s a Chlorophtyum

It’s there, just sitting in the corner
It’s flora it’s not fauna
You’ll find the spider plant !

Existential Angst

If I were a cat with no tail : a manx
Would I suffer from existential angst ?
Would a pussy like me treat his life as a fail
On account of his quite unaccountable tail ?
Would the lack of a thing that I never once had
Make me catty or batty or simply quite mad ?
I think not. I’d be grounded. I’d stand on all paws.
My emotions well founded – all effects with a cause
I’d be straight like an arrow or even a beeline
cos a moggie like me is in touch with his felines

Leningrad

When in ‘grad
(that’s Leningrad
though whose ‘grad’s never stable:
Could be Lenin or Petro)
(You must try the Metro
Avtovo’s quite rightfully fabled)
Your feet will direct you
to Nevsky Prospekt to
go shopping or sit in a bar
Buy some boots with stout soles
cos with worn out plimsolls
in the Hermitage you won’t get far
It’s a palace and more
Many buildings and floors
Commissioned by Catherine the Great
Artists came when she beckoned
Old Catherine the Second
And it’s double the size of the Tate.

Bubbledogs

A friend of mine went to dinner at a place in London that specialises in hots dogs and champagne. I had never heard of such a thing, but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s when a rhyme is called for.

If you want a young lady for dinner
Take Louise, she’s a certified winner
She’s not boring or pensive
And never expensive
Just a hot dog and bubbly will win her

Train Delays

They’re fidgeting like they’ve got ants in their pants
There’s train delays between Surrey and Hants
From Farnham to Alton there is no hilarity
We’re shocked and distressed at this poor punctuality
But hardiness and a stiff lip overcomes
The tardiness with which we visit our Mums

Seigneur

They repealed the feudal system
in seventeen eighty nine
If you want a fief
Well bad luck chief
This just is not the time

You might have once been Seigneur
What Brits like us call ‘Lord’
By dint of berf
You’re not a serf
You’ve got manor house and board

The truth is much less noble
More what the folk at home want
(Unless home is Sark, you own the park
and your name’s Michael Beaumont)

Bumblebee

Take a look, take a look, take a look at me
I’m the B-U-M and the B-L-E
With a B to the E and another E
I’m the ever-lovin’ ever-buzzin’ bumblebee

Don’t hunker in a hive like a honey bee
We do the bumblebee jive in a colony
in a hole underground or a hole in a tree
Don’t mess with us honey with your apiary

I’m the tiger in the sky dressed in yellow and black
See me flying real high got four wings on my back
I’m perfect aerodynamically
I’m the ever-loving’ ever-buzzin’ bumblebee

Ennui

The trouble with Henri his pauvre mère said
Is he suffers from ennui, won’t get out of bed
He won’t put his feet on the tedious floor
The thought of a shower’s a terrible bore
He’s resting he tells her, in between lulls
He’d flick through a book but they’re horribly dull
He goes to the toilet but just cos he must
He’d stay out of bed but he just can’t be fussed
Attempts to amuse him are met with a sigh
He says he would titter but he can’t quite see why
His Mum hopes that Amazon will end her sorrow
The dynamite’s ordered – it turns up tomorrow

Doublewide Invisible Incisors

I got doublewide invisible incisors
I got two black holes where front teeth used to be
I got space where once my wiggly pearly whites were
The tooth brigade’s been poachin’ ivory

What once was indivisibubbly rooted
Was yesterday just jiggling around
The fairy’s been and now my tooth’s transmuted
It’s only gone and turned into a pound

The Duvethog

Artwork by the generous and talented @baboonicorn

Artwork by the generous and talented @baboonicorn

Beware the furtive duvethog* that hunts in bed at night
It holds the duvet loosely when you first turn out the light
Then it goes into a death roll like a river crocodile
You start out under covers, but that’s only for a while
Before you know what’s happened you are in the open air
Tucked up into ‘not a lot’ where duvet once was there
You try to find a corner but it’s vanished without trace
It’s just as hard as getting the duvet into the duvet case
You think you might just snuggle up into the duvet worm
The heat within’s not coming out, no, not one single therm
Your body temp is slipping : ninety eight, now ninety seven
(The heartless swine beside you’s never getting into heaven)
You think you might just freeze to death – you’re starting now to panic
Your brain invents a brand new law of bed thermodynamics
If heat’s conserved, it surely is inside the duvethog
“But why ?” you ask. Because the arse has stolen all the togs.

* In my mind this kind of rhymes with ‘rubber dog’.
This verse was inspired by the #FairytaleFriday writing challenge on Twitter.

Shark Marbles

Catherine commented :
William, whilst I attempted a tricky reversing manoeuvre:
“Mummy, how many marbles can a shark hold in its mouth at once?”…..
The reversing bit is important to the story. Xx

Mummy was busy reversing
Her arm round the passenger seat
Her brow was furrowed deeply
Her focus was complete
Her tongue was poking up & right
She was trying so hard to park
But the question I needed answering right
Was about the great white shark
Its appetite is voracious
It’s always gobbling prey
Its mouth is quite capacious
In a toothy kind of way
It’s one of the ocean’s marvels
The fabulous way it hunts
But I wondered how many marbles
It could hold in its mouth at once
Mummy was quick to remind us
She was quite busy trying to park
When she bumped into something behind us
And said something rude about sharks