I want pickled garlic for breakfast

Inspired (as ever) by the lovely Olivia whose thought this was,
and her mum Eleanor who told us about it …

I want pickled garlic for breakfast
I’ve made it quite clear to my Mum
That she has to get it off Daddy
And I get to eat Allium

My brother has ate all my glitter
My Daddy is hoarding his food
Now Charlie’s a sparklier shitter
And Mum says I’m not to be crude

I said “I just want pickled garlic
Come on Mum it can’t be that hard”
But she went and sided with Daddy
I tried grabbing the jar but was barred

My parents are terribly liberal
Politically they’re both right on
When it comes to my rights over brekkie
I’m telling you though it’s a con

My Mum says I can’t steal the garlic
She’d find out that I had with her nose
It’s olfactory my dear Watson
In the Case of the Lost Stinking Rose

I want pickled garlic for breakfast
I know it sounds bourgeois to say
It’s lack of the pickle that ails me
As I eat my petit dejeuner

I wish that I was a pusscat

For Jenny, whose thought this was and Charlie who modelled for it

I wish that I was a pusscat
When miffed I would mete out some claw
When happy I might do some purring
or scratching my cheek on the door
But mostly I would spend my time sleeping
in places you think are for you
Your chair or on top of your pillow
Your pyjamas ? Why yes, that’d do.
Very few things would wake me from slumber
A poo or a pee or a snack
I’d hold tight otherwise
and I’d squeeze shut my eyes
When a human paw touches my back.
I would only eat tea at the neighbours’
The muck you buy I’d simply ignore
All I’d need from you
is the removal of poo
and a servant to open the door.
Yes I wish that I was a pusscat
Then the rules of your societee
Would apply to all dogs, mice and people round here
To everyone except me !

Four Young Boys

On the occasion of a family holiday

Four young gentlemen came to France
A holiday chateau awaited
Their mothers and fathers and uncles and aunts
Were all simply there to be baited
The gentlemen played in the fountain
They bombed and they dived in the pool
And probably learned far more naughty French words
Than they’ll ever get taught at school
So Timothy, Charlie, Georgie and Tink
Ces cadeaux sont pour vous
I forgot to tell you earlier I think …
“Caca” is French for poo …