The Duvethog

Artwork by the generous and talented @baboonicorn

Artwork by the generous and talented @baboonicorn

Beware the furtive duvethog* that hunts in bed at night
It holds the duvet loosely when you first turn out the light
Then it goes into a death roll like a river crocodile
You start out under covers, but that’s only for a while
Before you know what’s happened you are in the open air
Tucked up into ‘not a lot’ where duvet once was there
You try to find a corner but it’s vanished without trace
It’s just as hard as getting the duvet into the duvet case
You think you might just snuggle up into the duvet worm
The heat within’s not coming out, no, not one single therm
Your body temp is slipping : ninety eight, now ninety seven
(The heartless swine beside you’s never getting into heaven)
You think you might just freeze to death – you’re starting now to panic
Your brain invents a brand new law of bed thermodynamics
If heat’s conserved, it surely is inside the duvethog
“But why ?” you ask. Because the arse has stolen all the togs.

* In my mind this kind of rhymes with ‘rubber dog’.
This verse was inspired by the #FairytaleFriday writing challenge on Twitter.

Crocodiles

A crocodile is poikilothermic, that’s how crocodiles are:
without an external source of heat a crocodile won’t get far.

Your temperature is ninety eight point four in Fahrenheit
But for a crocodilian, no one number is right

They’re colder when it’s colder out, they’re hotter when it’s hot
But test it with a thermometer ? My advice is – better not.

Look over there

For Mikey at bedtime

Look over there
What can we see ?
The whole wide world
as far as the trees

There’s a giant giraffe
eating bamboo
and a very tall ostrich
that is six foot two

Look over there
What can we see ?
The whole wide world
as far as the trees

There’s the garden next door
and the one after that
and sneaking up the path
is a naughty little cat

Look over there
What can we see ?
The whole wide world
as far as the trees

There’s a crocodile swimming
‘cross a river of blue
and up in the branches
there’s a squirrel – no ! Two !

Look over there
What can we see ?
The whole wide world
as far as the trees

Then right above the treetops
Can you see in the sky ?
The marshmallow mountains
of clouds flying by

Look over there
What can we see ?
The whole wide world
as far as the trees

Now Mummy draws the curtains
from the left and from the right
and the garden and the trees
have all vanished from sight

Look over there
What can we see ?
The whole wide world:
Mum and you and me.